12.28.2008

Martha Stewart Does she really do it all??

I will put put a warning on this post. If you are a huge Martha Stewart fan and believe that she comes up with all of the ideas on her show, magazine and truly does all of the following things you may be upset by the following. I however think some of the ideas that are on her show/magazine are creative but who really has the time to do these things. This was sent me me by a friend and I couldn't help but laugh I know so many working Mom's trying to do it all and feel like failures at the end of the day.


Martha Stewart Christmas Wish

Dear Santa,

I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers, or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply.

I want to slap Martha Stewart. Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me -- do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all.

Those of us leading average, garden-variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style, for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18-carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold, unless it's of the furniture polish variety.

We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.
OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush, you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego. We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's ordered it only once), she also refuses to eat it cold. When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave." The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either." Well, lah-dee-dah. Imagine that,Santa!That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What's next? The coffee maker? In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that qualifies as "put away" in my house!

Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue. She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the twenty-first century," and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends." Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not
spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation.

Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright, and Maya Angelou, no doubt) The proof of Martha's influence: After she bought
white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha said, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone."I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge. (Or maybe,on second thought....) A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs and to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast. This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade.What a show off. If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship,right? When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha. And of her Web page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an"important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives.

There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year. You probably want to smack her yourself.

4 comments:

Jenna said...

I think I have only ordered pizza once myself. And I don't like it, or get excited about eating it. But I do have a microwave.

Kate said...

I couldn't have said it better myself - MS makes me feel incompetent, unfeminine, and ill-tempered.

and... sorry, Marth, I looooooove me some delivery pizza... and frozen pizza - yes, I said FROZEN pizza... the cheap kind.

pinkpolkadotaa said...

We eat frozen pizza once week! I couldn't survive without my microwave! I thught this was a cute post. Even tought I really like Martha, I do think her ideas are over the top and she could use an ego check.

Midwest Prep said...

This is funny- But I LOVE Martha- I really do- I would LOVE to be able to do all the things she does and live the way she lives- I would love to have an estate and pressed linens and huge gardens- I don't get mad at her- I use her for ideas- i think she is probably a nutball, but I Love her.

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